Tuesday, December 16, 2008

It Had to Hit Sometime

I knew it was coming.  I just didn't know when it would hit.

They say there are stages of grief.  I've experienced a few in the past week or so... but I hadn't really hit anger yet.  Sure, I may have said, "I'm so angry!" but I wasn't really there yet.  I don't get the hot-blooded kind of anger very often, but it hit me today.

Frayed Laces had warned me that the emotions would come when I wasn't expecting it.  Maybe I'd see a runner.  Maybe I'd drive past the gym.

It was my headband.  I was driving back from lunch and glanced down at where I keep my headband around my gear stick (so that I've always got it to throw on  to keep the wispies back once I pull my hair up).  It hit.  ANGER!!!!!!

I was mad.  Mad that I can't run.  Mad that I can't walk.  Mad that my left elbow is hurting today (that's new, and likely because my elbows are doing new things on these crutches).  Mad that I had to call off my marathon.  Mad that I had to call off my trip to Chicago next weekend.  Mad that I could see a VISIBLE difference between my left and right quad before getting in the shower last night.  Mad that I wake up before the alarm and really need to pee but don't want to go because it means using the crutches to hobble in there.  Mad that I feel like I can't really start planning my 2009 races because I have NO CLUE how quickly I'll bounce back.  Mad that I feel guilty eating dessert since I'm being the most inactive I have ever been in my entire life.  Mad at the realization that I know there are going to be some judgmental people that I will see in coming weeks who will criticize me for running in the first place.  Mad that all this is making all the holiday parties seem a little less fun for me.  Mad that I have to keep answering the "what happened?" question (I don't like the pity looks.)

I have done a good job lately of being positive.  I've been making myself remember that this is not the end of the world.  I'll run again.  I only have to deal with this for a very short part of my life.

But today I just had to let myself be mad.  I'm past it now for the time being.  It kind of felt good to get it out of my system.

Shortly after the mad feelings, I started thinking about how I'm going to attack running when I can come back.  Running won't know what hit it.  Of course, I'll do it in a smart way so I can try to avoid any more injuries, but nonetheless - I'm coming back to running with a vengeance.  I will show it that I can come back from an injury stronger than before.

I know it's too soon to be making plans, but I figure that sense I'll be starting off at a much lower mileage than I'm used to that I might try to focus on my 5K and Half-Marathon times over the first part of the year.  Then in June, I'll start training for the Chicago marathon.

Watch out PR's... I'll be coming to get you.

(In other good news, I found out today that Dave Matthews Band is coming to Nashville in April.  I'm so there.)

9 comments:

SuperDave said...

I just read your comments on MJC's blog and heard about your bad luck. I swear there must be an evil villain out there that knows when your running is going good, just so he can trip you up. Hang in there!

The Laminator said...

Woah...hang in there! Keep it all in perspective. Yes, it sucks to be in apin, it sucks to be injured, and it sucks to not be running for a while, but you know what...there actually are worse things to have than a little injury. I'm not even going to mention them because I'm sure you know what I mean. Either way, I'm glad you can keep anger in check because it's so counterproductive. I'm sure F.L. can remind you of that!

Wishing for you a speedy and peaceful recovery this xmas!

Rachel H. said...

You've got to let yourself be mad about things like this sometimes. It's the only thing that will help you through it, if you let yourself go through the emotions that you are feeling.

Sarah said...

Let it all out, girl :)

*aron* said...

you definitely have to let it all out! its too hard and unhealthy to keep it in... but like you said you also have to go back to being positive, which you are already doing. you are amazing girlie - hang in there!! you will be back with a vengence :)

*One Step at a Time* said...

Hello from the blogging world! I'm finally leaving you a comment! I came across your blog and I am truly inspired by you. I can tell you are strong and determined and will get through this injury in no time. Honestly, before you know it, you will be back on your feet and running marathons! Time passes quickly. Think about this, yes right now it sucks, but pretty soon you will be looking back on this injury and realizing how much stronger of a person you are from it. I am also a runner...although not as serious as you. I do not run marathons or races for that matter. I run 4 or 5 miles roughly 5 or 6 days a week. I basically just do it for myself and because I lost a lot of weight from it. Now I am a pretty intense runner but don't have the motivation to run much further than 6 miles. I would love to start back up with half marathons. Maybe when you are recovered and are training for a half, I will train too!! Good luck with everything and stay strong. Also, feel free to check out my blog although it isn't a runner specific one. :)

M*J*C said...

Girl, I will be referring to your blog a lot over the next year! Last night I had a little "run in" with the anger, but it was kind of funny....I was in my house on the phone with one of my friends, as I walked down the hall and looked out the front door I saw 2 people running. It was 8pm, dark, cold (28 degrees), and I was pissed! While on the phone I say "Uuugh runners! What are you doing out there? What are you training for? It's the end of the season, it's cold out! GO HOME you over achievers (they couldn't hear me)!!!" My friend was rolling on the phone! Then I said "I'm sorry Running Gods, I'm just sad, I hope those runners have a nice run, I really do". I'm sure I will be hitting all of those lovely stages....

J said...

Glad you go mad! Sometimes anger helps fuel your recovery and training after an injury! Before you know it you will be back out on the road!

Eric said...

you will bounce back