They say there are stages of grief. I've experienced a few in the past week or so... but I hadn't really hit anger yet. Sure, I may have said, "I'm so angry!" but I wasn't really there yet. I don't get the hot-blooded kind of anger very often, but it hit me today.
Frayed Laces had warned me that the emotions would come when I wasn't expecting it. Maybe I'd see a runner. Maybe I'd drive past the gym.
It was my headband. I was driving back from lunch and glanced down at where I keep my headband around my gear stick (so that I've always got it to throw on to keep the wispies back once I pull my hair up). It hit. ANGER!!!!!!
I was mad. Mad that I can't run. Mad that I can't walk. Mad that my left elbow is hurting today (that's new, and likely because my elbows are doing new things on these crutches). Mad that I had to call off my marathon. Mad that I had to call off my trip to Chicago next weekend. Mad that I could see a VISIBLE difference between my left and right quad before getting in the shower last night. Mad that I wake up before the alarm and really need to pee but don't want to go because it means using the crutches to hobble in there. Mad that I feel like I can't really start planning my 2009 races because I have NO CLUE how quickly I'll bounce back. Mad that I feel guilty eating dessert since I'm being the most inactive I have ever been in my entire life. Mad at the realization that I know there are going to be some judgmental people that I will see in coming weeks who will criticize me for running in the first place. Mad that all this is making all the holiday parties seem a little less fun for me. Mad that I have to keep answering the "what happened?" question (I don't like the pity looks.)
I have done a good job lately of being positive. I've been making myself remember that this is not the end of the world. I'll run again. I only have to deal with this for a very short part of my life.
But today I just had to let myself be mad. I'm past it now for the time being. It kind of felt good to get it out of my system.
Shortly after the mad feelings, I started thinking about how I'm going to attack running when I can come back. Running won't know what hit it. Of course, I'll do it in a smart way so I can try to avoid any more injuries, but nonetheless - I'm coming back to running with a vengeance. I will show it that I can come back from an injury stronger than before.
I know it's too soon to be making plans, but I figure that sense I'll be starting off at a much lower mileage than I'm used to that I might try to focus on my 5K and Half-Marathon times over the first part of the year. Then in June, I'll start training for the Chicago marathon.
Watch out PR's... I'll be coming to get you.
(In other good news, I found out today that Dave Matthews Band is coming to Nashville in April. I'm so there.)