Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Standing Still

Again, thank you all for being so supportive and sending positive comments, good vibes and warm thoughts my way. It's really helping this week be a little brighter.

I guess in some ways I just feel like I'm hovering. I don't know what's really wrong, and I won't know until the doctor checks it out on Friday. I won't know until he does if I can do anything at all on Saturday, and if so if it'll mean running or walking. I also won't know until then how quickly I can expect to be running again and when I can reschedule another race.

I have to assume that if I can get back at it pretty quickly that I should be able to bounce back quickly, right? I mean, I've worked for four months to get in shape to run a marathon. Surely if I can get back on my feet in Janaury it won't take too long to get back to that shape, you think?

I really want to plan on running Little Rock in March. I'd been tossing the idea around for a while now, but if I can't run the full on Saturday I feel even more certain I need to pick another one soon. Again, I won't know until I find out what's really wrong if this is even reasonable. If something is seriously wrong, no telling how long I'd have to be off my feet.

I know it sounds like I'm whining about not getting to run in a certain race. It's not really about that. I mean, sure... it KIND OF is about that. I worked hard for this day, and now I don't even have the joy of looking forward to that day this whole week because I can't do it. But more than that, it's just about the running.

Running is such a big part of my life. It has come to be something that I'm passionate about. It's not just about races and times and goals. Sure, that's part of the fun for me. I'm pretty competitive with myself and myself alone. It's more about the fact that I just love to run. I don't like not running. I just don't feel like myself in that part of my life right now. It's not that I'm choosing to take some time off running. It just suddenly hurts to run. That's what makes it suck.

I think I promised to quit being so depressing. I hope I don't sound like I'm complaining too much. It's just kind of a mental struggle this week to deal with all of this. It's hard to take lightly, you know? This week should be about checking the weather every 10 minutes to see if it's changed and planning out strategies for race day and agonizing over minute details on the race website. But now? Now I'm just kind of ready for the weekend to be over.

I know I'll have a blast this weekend. I know that even if something is really wrong and I can't do any race at all, I'll still cheer on my friends that are running and have a great day. I know that it'll all be ok. It'll just be easier to get the disappointment behind me, if that makes any sense.

I'm not going to lie though... if the doctor tells me there's nothing wrong that running can make worse, I'll probably find a new motivation to consume as much ibuprofen as allowed and try for the full anyways. Yeah, it might hurt... but if it's pain that I know isn't causing any damage, I might be able to suck it up for 26.2 miles. That and a little tequila in the ole fuel belt can't hurt.

I'm kidding. Maybe.


*aron* said...

GAH i really cant imagine what you are going through right now. i would be sounding very depressing... way to keep a positive attitude!!

im still wishing for miracle recovery and a PR marathon :)

hang in there!!!!

Eric said...

good luck in everything

peachy perspective said...

Also remember that God is teaching you something during this time of having to take a break from something you love.

Mojito Maven said...

eek!! I just saw that your hips was hurting and you are thinking of not running this weekend! I am so sorry!! *HUGS* I hope you feel better and that the doctor has good news!!!!!!

Marathon Maritza said...

I am behind on blogs, so I'm sorry this is so late! I'm so sorry to hear you are in pain and the marathon is on the fence....that must be really hard to deal with, so I admire that you are being smart about it.

In the end, you will no what's best for Sunday, so I am sending good, positive thoughts your way!

April said...

I understand your frustration!! And there's nothing wrong with little tequilla in your fuel belt:)

X-Country2 said...

You're more than allowed to be dissappointed and whiney. Good luck this Saturday or in the future. :o)

Chic Runner said...

Good luck, you'll do great, no matter what you do...

Teeeeeeeqeeeeellllllaaaaaaa... running a marathon while being a little saucy.. that's a new idea.