Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Some Thoughts on Dating

There are a lot of reasons why I say VERY little about dating on my blog.
  1. I'm not exactly anonymous, and I don't want the guys I'm dating to read what I might write about them.
  2. I am by nature a fairly private person about personal details.
  3. I don't like to talk much about it when things don't work out.
Sometimes I question my own policy about writing about dating because believe me - as a 2osthing single gal I have a LOT of really great stories I could share. Some good, some bad... but in the end, they all feel pretty personal. I end up not sharing many because in some ways it feels less personal to me if I tell everyone about it.

(Of course, I plan on writing a book about my dating experiences someday, haha. That will be different. I probably won't do it until the last chapter can be about finding Mr. Right, ha.)

I mentioned I had a few dates with a guy, so now because I mentioned it I feel like I have to mention that it's ended up not being something that's going to go anywhere. No need to feel down for me... I was having fun, but it was still relatively new and it's so not a big deal for it to be over now.

But I've been in this same exact place plenty of times. It almost doesn't even surprise me anymore when I get that call that things are over. I think I can tell the guy what he's about to say to end things before it ever even comes out of his head (or butt, ha).

A friend and I exchanged some emails today and found that we've both got the same stories:
  • He's not looking for a relationship.
  • He's not over his ex-girlfriend.
  • He doesn't have time to commit because he needs to focus on something else.
  • Etc.
That's all fine and dandy, but here's my issue with this stuff:

Don't ask me out if any of the above or anything similar to the above apply to you.

I'm serious. Dating is fun and all, but don't lead me on. Don't ask me out and then ask me out again and then start telling me how much you like me and why you like me and how you want to do such and such with me next week and how much fun you have with me... because if you keep doing that, I let my guard down. And I start to like you. And I think that you're trying to communicate that you like me because you keep saying that and asking me out. And then you pull this 180 and give me a reason why you really aren't looking to date very much in the first place and it's over as soon as it started and I'm not really even sure what just happened or why you bothered to ask me out in the first place if you knew you weren't looking for anything.

WTF.

Listen up men... no offense. I know there are good men out there who are not doing this to women... men who aren't freaking out 5-6 dates in and then finding a reason to get out... men who are not pursuing and pursuing and then pulling the plug out of seemingly nowhere. Men who are not afraid of commitment! (Let's face it... whether they admit it or not, I firmly believe this is why it usually doesn't work out. That could be a whole different blog post.)

But I haven't met one of you yet... at least not one that wasn't already married to one of my friends. :)

We're on to you men. Us women? We talk. Even if we don't do it on our blogs, we definitely are talking over cocktails. And we know that many of you are doing this same exact thing to all of us.

I'm venting a bit. Please don't take any offense, and please know I realize I'm overgeneralizing. I'm mostly just pissed off that it always seems like the same exact thing happens every time I meet someone who I think is worth spending my time with. Maybe I'd be less annoyed if I felt like guys were being a little bit more creative or something. Like the one guy who told me after 2-3 dates that he wasn't sure we should keep dating because his ex was about to have his baby! (True story.) THAT is a valid explanation.

Anyways, don't get me wrong. I am not the kind of girl who has to be dating someone. In fact, I really only dated like 2-3 guys this year, and none of them were very serious. I'm not one of those girls who just wants a relationship or who is just husband hunting. Sure, ultimately I want the real deal, but I don't go into dating someone thinking too seriously about it in the beginning. That comes with time. And I definitely am not out trolling for men or anything. I really just meet people randomly.

But if I'm going to be dating... if I'm going to be spending my time with someone... I just don't want to be led on. Don't act all into me and then end it out of nowhere. Just be up front and honest. If you're not feeling it, don't say things to indicate that you are. Period. Because it really pisses me off that you make me feel foolish for liking you when you call out of nowhere and say you're just not looking to commit. I wouldn't have let myself start liking you and I wouldn't have kept saying yes to your date invitations if I knew you weren't really all that into me or dating or a relationship or WHATEVER after all.

Oh, one more thing... don't give me the whole "I know a lot of people just blow people off and never call again, but I wanted to be respectful and honest and tell you what I think" thing. Do NOT for a second pat yourself on the back because you told me you wouldn't be around any more. Calling me to end things if that's how you feel is just the right thing to do. You didn't go above and beyond mister. I am not impressed.

Seriously, that book I'm going to write... it's going to be awesome.

I feel a lot better writing this out. It's not like me to publish something like this on here, so don't be surprised if I change my mind and delete it later.

In the end, I do feel rather unphased. I've been in this same boat quite a few times. You kind of just have to roll your eyes and let it go (though I know sometimes this is easier said than done). The whole "other fish in the sea" thing. There's always going to be someone else.
I know there's a great guy out there for me, and we just haven't found each other yet. It'd be easy for me to say "screw dating! To hell with men!" Believe me. But I always take the risk. I always put myself out there. If I meet and start seeing someone I like, I do eventually let my guard down a bit. And so far, that hasn't worked out for me.

But if I don't keep taking the risk... if I don't keep putting myself out there... then I'll never connect with someone in the way that I hope to do someday when the time is right and when the relationship is right. I can't find my special person if I'm not out there dating and getting to know new guys. It'll be through doing that that I will eventually find him.

It just clearly wasn't this guy. And that's ok.

I'm just annoyed. Every guy I've ever dated has been pretty different, but it just baffles me that it always ends the same exact way.

I know that more than likely, this will happen again. But someday, I hope the story will turn out differently. I know that it will when it's the right guy. You know what they say... you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince! I guess I got another frog down. :)

PS - Attn. Mr. Frog - I doubt that you're reading, but if you are... I really do think you're a great guy. I wouldn't have spent time with you if I didn't. I'm not really trying to bash you. I had a fantastic time with you, and I hate that we won't be seeing each other again. But I had to vent... your story was the same as all the other guys before you, and it's just getting old.

14 comments:

Kelly said...

I don't think you should feel bad for posting something like this. Like you said, we've all heard these excuses and you are right- WHY ASK ME OUT if thats the excuse you are going to pull in 5 or 6 dates? Decide you ARE over ex girlfriend, or you do want a relationship, then date haha.

Anyway, you are right- eventually you will find a guy who is not like this and it's great that you continue to try even after so many of the same things. One of these days it will worth it. And I will totally buy your dating book, haha so let me know when you write it!

emily said...

are you writing my bio??? ha aww girlfriend i couldnt agree with you more!!! hang in there...there are good guys out there! i dont know about you but (despite the whole tiger thing, too) i always look to my dad and parents to reassure myself...otherwise-friends.....well be those "friends" one day!! :) thanks for the honesty...weve all been there or ARE there!!! (funny you wrote this too because i was going to email you today to see how things were going haha today i was like you know, i wonder how thats going!!! ) but anyway....cant wait for the book! haha

Running and living said...

1) I know people look down upon "The Rules" book. But you know what, it makes some really great points about dating. I've experimented with it in my dating years and it is amazing what making yourself unavailable (among others) does to a guy.
2) You are very young. Man your age are mostly on booty call. When that does not happen as quickly as they'd like it, they bail.
3) I think it is time for you to just date, no expectations for Mr Wonderful. Soon enough you won't be able to do that anymore.

courtney903 said...

Oh, boo. Really?

I think you just verbalized the very thing every single girl has felt at least once in her life.

The sad thing is, I'm used to it too. 4-6 dates, and either a call or falling off the face of the planet or any number of other weird things that could happen. And in the end I bounce back pretty quickly, which I partly think is part of growing up but also I think because we just expect the guys to change their minds and run out. And it's good... it's good that we're guarding ourselves that way, but it's so terribly sad that we have to.

Nicole said...

I'm on the next flight down to beat some ass girl! I'm agreeing with you 100%! If my boyfriend ever did any of that I'd kick him to the curb! Loveee youuuuuu!!!!!!!

Kimberly300 said...

stupid American men.. thats why I married Canadian!! (HA don't worry.. men from every country can be D-Bags!)

seriously though.. its not cool to be treated like you have.. just don't give up.. you know HE is out there!

Amy said...

A-to the freaking-MEN. (Ugh, even that word has 'men' attached to it).

hernamewasgrace said...

stupid guys! ;)

Eric said...

love your I am glad you have the guts to write about it. The main difference here is girls want commitment guys don't and the older we get some time the hard is to commit because of all the reason that you just gave. It will take time maybe when you move you ll fin better prospects. Love your blog and your writing style and will continue to read your posts.
take care cheer up

KBam said...

I feel like I've had the exact same series of thoughts that you wrote in this blog. Years of men pulling the same stunt. Despite the sometimes varied ways that things ended, it would always come down to the same thing: "Oops, I didn't mean it, I actually don't want to date you even though for weeks I'd been saying that I did."

Keep the hope alive though. It really is when you're not looking for it that it happens. My sister met her current husband at the airport. I met my boyfriend at work when I had basically given up on men. It can happen, and it will happen for you. But hey, at least you're getting some good stories to tell!

Best of luck...
-Kristin

Paige said...

Good post! Just for a giggle, you should see this- http://www.paigel.com/2009/12/03/the-spiders-response/.

Many hugs and much love!

Penny Lane said...

Preach on, sista! I've been there a million times as every gal has. I think men just never grow up. Like a little kid who wants a toy one day and then finds another the next. Or a kid that doesn't want a toy until he sees his neighbor with it.

My favorite was always the guy who got my number and then never called. I wouldn't have given him a second thought until he asked for my number then he has to bother me by not calling. What is that? If you don't want to call me, don't ask for my number. We can have fun talking and then never talk again. I don't need you to ask for my number at the end of the night like punctuation at the end of a sentence. Boys = lame.

Your book sounds awesome and I wanna read it! This was a good post. You should write about dating more often.

Paul said...

You can really tell when a post comes from the heart - like this one. Hard to write, but typically they resonate with lots of people like yours has here.

You should write for a paper or magazine. This stuff is gold.

And you frog will pop up sooner or later.

Paul :-)

*One Step at a Time* said...

Oh my gosh, I can relate with this post SO MUCH! I say you start a separate "private" blog with your dating experiences! I've been thinking of the same thing!