I write in it everyday. I remember how in high school my friend Danielle would dare me to go one day without writing in my journal. I couldn't... no wait, I wouldn't do it.
My high school friends also knew about the color pens. I'm not quite as strict about it now, but back then I had different pens for different topics. I guess I felt like it was a way for me to be able to find the words I was looking for whenever I might look back on them.
I don't use so many pens anymore. I use just two. (I realize I'm allowing you to see some of my quirks, but that's one of the reasons for the title of this post.) Black is used for the mundane details; blue is used for anything I deem a bit more significant. It's pretty open to my own interpretation.
I've always wondered if I'd reach a day where I don't write in it. I've been writing daily since high school started in 1997, and I haven't stopped yet. I don't know when I'll stop. I feel like I might... I don't think I'll ever stop writing in a journal completely, but I think there will come a time where it's not a daily thing.
Some days have longer entries than others. Sometimes I write a brief sentence or two about what I did with my time that day. Sometimes I write a detailed account of a conversation I had. I might write about how something I read affected my thoughts. It can be a little bit of anything.
I don't really go back and read what I've written very often, which I'm sure sounds odd. What's the point then? I suppose it's that I like knowing I CAN go back and reread stuff. Occasionally I do. There are times when I want to go back and remember how something happened or what may have been said in a conversation that was important to me.
The only real issue is that sometimes I have the days where I really don't want to write about what happened... but I just can't walk away. I HAVE to write. I HAVE to record what happened because I know that there might be a day when I want to have the details... there might be a time when I need or want to remember, and if I've written it down when it's fresh then I know it's the most accurate account I could possibly go back to in order to remember. The brain changes details over time, but my words aren't erased.
I think maybe that's why I still journal the old-fashioned way: with a spiral notebook and ink pens. What's written is written. I can't delete it. Sometimes that's nice.
But I struggle in moments like these... because if I write about it, then it's real. If I write about it, I have to admit it happened. If I write about it, I have to be in touch with how I feel. If I write about it, I know it can't be changed.
There are a lot of people who would tell me that how I feel right now is silly or crazy or dumb. I'm not the kind of girl who can just get mad and say mean things and force myself over it. I have to be upset. I have to feel emotional. I have to let the questions and the feelings of not understanding go through me. I am exactly who I am. Who I am is a girl who gets upset over these things. I'm a girl who either likes you or doesn't like you, and if I like you and you hurt me, I get sad... not mad. I like you because I see the good in you, so I'm not going to say bad things just because I got hurt. I'm the girl that fights for what she wants, especially when she's got nothing else to lose.
I'm also the girl who wants to sit here and say that that's it... I'm done... that I don't care anymore. But it'd be a lie.
I will always be the girl who puts herself out there on the line. I will always be the girl who is all in. I will always be the girl that genuinely likes you when she says she likes you. And it is my hope that one day, it will pay off. One day, it won't end. One day, it won't feel like this. And it will be worth these moments of hurt.
I'm a big Lady Antebellum fan, and like tons of people in America I've been digging the new tune "Need You Now." Apparently, someone else knows exactly what I mean if I'm to judge by the one line in the song saying, "Guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all..."
That's the girl I am.
I hate getting hurt, but I know that I'll never get what I am looking for if I don't risk getting hurt. I'd rather feel the pain in the process of seeking something good than to not care, to not feel anything...
So that's me. I'll keep taking that risk. Maybe sometimes it includes those other words of the Lady A song about "I said I wouldn't call, but I lost all control..." Or maybe it's just getting out there again and starting over.
And yeah, I'm saying this even in the midst of sitting here with hurt feelings. I can't help but wonder if that means I'm the most crazy person I know... or the most sane.