Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Vulnerable

I keep a journal. It's FOR SURE completely different from this blog. I write things in there that I don't intend for anyone to read. Other than me. Ever.

I write in it everyday. I remember how in high school my friend Danielle would dare me to go one day without writing in my journal. I couldn't... no wait, I wouldn't do it.

My high school friends also knew about the color pens. I'm not quite as strict about it now, but back then I had different pens for different topics. I guess I felt like it was a way for me to be able to find the words I was looking for whenever I might look back on them.

I don't use so many pens anymore. I use just two. (I realize I'm allowing you to see some of my quirks, but that's one of the reasons for the title of this post.) Black is used for the mundane details; blue is used for anything I deem a bit more significant. It's pretty open to my own interpretation.

I've always wondered if I'd reach a day where I don't write in it. I've been writing daily since high school started in 1997, and I haven't stopped yet. I don't know when I'll stop. I feel like I might... I don't think I'll ever stop writing in a journal completely, but I think there will come a time where it's not a daily thing.

Some days have longer entries than others. Sometimes I write a brief sentence or two about what I did with my time that day. Sometimes I write a detailed account of a conversation I had. I might write about how something I read affected my thoughts. It can be a little bit of anything.

I don't really go back and read what I've written very often, which I'm sure sounds odd. What's the point then? I suppose it's that I like knowing I CAN go back and reread stuff. Occasionally I do. There are times when I want to go back and remember how something happened or what may have been said in a conversation that was important to me.

The only real issue is that sometimes I have the days where I really don't want to write about what happened... but I just can't walk away. I HAVE to write. I HAVE to record what happened because I know that there might be a day when I want to have the details... there might be a time when I need or want to remember, and if I've written it down when it's fresh then I know it's the most accurate account I could possibly go back to in order to remember. The brain changes details over time, but my words aren't erased.

I think maybe that's why I still journal the old-fashioned way: with a spiral notebook and ink pens. What's written is written. I can't delete it. Sometimes that's nice.

But I struggle in moments like these... because if I write about it, then it's real. If I write about it, I have to admit it happened. If I write about it, I have to be in touch with how I feel. If I write about it, I know it can't be changed.

There are a lot of people who would tell me that how I feel right now is silly or crazy or dumb. I'm not the kind of girl who can just get mad and say mean things and force myself over it. I have to be upset. I have to feel emotional. I have to let the questions and the feelings of not understanding go through me. I am exactly who I am. Who I am is a girl who gets upset over these things. I'm a girl who either likes you or doesn't like you, and if I like you and you hurt me, I get sad... not mad. I like you because I see the good in you, so I'm not going to say bad things just because I got hurt. I'm the girl that fights for what she wants, especially when she's got nothing else to lose.

I'm also the girl who wants to sit here and say that that's it... I'm done... that I don't care anymore. But it'd be a lie.

I will always be the girl who puts herself out there on the line. I will always be the girl who is all in. I will always be the girl that genuinely likes you when she says she likes you. And it is my hope that one day, it will pay off. One day, it won't end. One day, it won't feel like this. And it will be worth these moments of hurt.

I'm a big Lady Antebellum fan, and like tons of people in America I've been digging the new tune "Need You Now." Apparently, someone else knows exactly what I mean if I'm to judge by the one line in the song saying, "Guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all..."

That's the girl I am.

I hate getting hurt, but I know that I'll never get what I am looking for if I don't risk getting hurt. I'd rather feel the pain in the process of seeking something good than to not care, to not feel anything...

So that's me. I'll keep taking that risk. Maybe sometimes it includes those other words of the Lady A song about "I said I wouldn't call, but I lost all control..." Or maybe it's just getting out there again and starting over.

And yeah, I'm saying this even in the midst of sitting here with hurt feelings. I can't help but wonder if that means I'm the most crazy person I know... or the most sane.

11 comments:

lawmonkey13 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
lawmonkey13 said...

Writing does make the problem real, but don't forget the cathartic effect of writing also. Keep the faith!

Paul said...

It is your willingness to be vulnerable and give of yourself that means your highs and lows will likely be a bit more pronounced than those less inclined to do so. And when you find the one your heart will soar - forever! All the best, Paul :-)

J said...

I like to write everyday in my journal too. Helps me to just round out the day and write down what happened. Sometimes it is hard but its a way to release the stress that may be held inside.

Oh and I love Lady A. They are coming to play this summer near me and I am hoping I can go!

Playful Professional said...

I heard once that you can't just get over something, you have to go through it. The people that just say, oh it's done and I'm over it, without grieving or really thinking about it get hit harder later on. So just go through it now, be hurt, whatever...and when you're ready you'll be over it and ready to move on with no lasting hurt feelings to take with you.

Jocelyn said...

I commend you for keeping a journal. I have tried several different times, but I always fail to continue doing it. Maybe writing everything that happen will help you clear you head some. If not there is always running! I hope that you are able to be happy again and move on from whatever that guy did. :)

Jocelyn said...

I commend you for keeping a journal. I have tried several different times, but I always fail to continue doing it. Maybe writing everything that happen will help you clear you head some. If not there is always running! I hope that you are able to be happy again and move on from whatever that guy did. :)

runningwithsass said...

I am so sorry to hear about you and "that guy." I know how crushing that can feel.

I have had periods of my life on and off that i have jorunaled, it comes and goes.

Marathon Maritza said...

I agree with the previous poster about the cathartic effect of writing...it's very good for the soul.

I think you are right that we are alike a bit in how we see things. I'm the kind of romantic that believes in love and the good in people and that 'the one' is out there for me. I can't imagine living any other way. We may get hurt in the process but as you said, we FEEL things and that's better than living numbly my whole life. If you don't feel the bad when it's bad, how do you recognize the good when it's really good?

You will get past it and come out of it a stronger person, you'll see. ♥

runnernic.com said...

Hang in there sweetheart! Keep writing- it helps I know!!! Love you!

Getting My Words Out said...

The day you stop feeling one emotion is the day you stop feeling them all. I've been there, and it's worse than every sad day you've had rolled into one. AND...all that pain I thought I was avoiding came crashing in the day I wanted to be happy. I had to wade through a lot of tears to get to the smile. You are completely sane.
:D